Another outsider’s take on Whitney Beach Plaza

RICHARD ESTRIN
Guest Columnist
opinion@lbknews.com

It was my intention this week to write about the recent sad turn of events at the Whitney Beach Plaza, but I will not do so. Having been a frequent customer of The Market and being a regular diner at the Bayou Tavern, as well as a commercial tenant of the plaza for the last few months, I fear that my interest in the subject may conflict with proper journalistic ethics. Therefore, I am turning this space over to a visiting columnist. The guest writer should have no problem with my intended topic, since he does not live on the island or even own property here. He is an extraterrestrial who makes his home on Mars, where he spends his time feeding his flock of Wild Opinions, and he seldom comes down to earth at all. With your permission, I take pleasure in introducing our guest opiner.

By The Little Green Pundit from Outer Space:

Greetings, Earthlings. We are happy to share our far out views with you today.

We will speak to you frankly. Many writers on your poor little planet later regret what they have written, but not so here on Mars. We say and write whatever, and never look back no matter what. At least not back to any opinions except our own, because those are never wrong.

Especially when it comes to subjects in which we have unparalleled expertise. Like architecture and aesthetics. Also fashions, scenery, tourism and cuisine. And just about anything else in the universe.

For example, when George Washington was planning the first executive mansion in your United States of America, I gave him my advice.

“George,” I told him, “whatever you do, don’t paint it white. Everybody paints his house white, and it is a blah color. I recommend puce, which I personally like, and it will therefore be extremely popular.”

Puce paint was very cheap at the time because, for some strange reason, hardly anyone ever bought any. But did Washington listen to me? No. And now look at the trouble that his country is in.

Likewise, when Theodore Roosevelt wanted to dig a canal, I gave him some great advice. I advised him to ignore all laws, treaties, regulations, borders, boundaries and other people’s opinions, and just do something that would appeal to my sense of beauty.

“Teddy,” I told him, “whatever you do, don’t dig it through Panama. Those people won’t appreciate it, and it’s not a pretty place. Better to excavate along a route that you can landscape beautifully from Newark to Seattle via Des Moines. It will no doubt upset some humans and face great opposition. It will require disturbing if not displacing many citizens and you will not be allowed to do it, but do it anyway. Just think of how satisfying it will be for me if it’s really gorgeous and I love the way it looks.”

But did Roosevelt listen to me? No. And now, look at the trouble that his country is in. I’ll bet that many of you Earthlings are sorry he didn’t take my sage advice on how and where to create waterways.

Now, the problem with the Whitney Beach Plaza is that it is not on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean. In fact, the problem with all of Longboat Key is that it is not on the shores of the Atlantic Ocean. Many are the times that I advised the Town Commission to move the island to the Atlantic Ocean.

“Just look at Miami Beach, and the high real estate values there,” I told the guys. “If I owned any property on Longboat Key, I would like real estate values like those. I would sell my property there in a heartbeat, if Martians had hearts, and move to Mars, if I didn’t already live on Mars.”

But would they listen? No. They wouldn’t even paint the Town Hall puce. And look at all the trouble, etc.

Well, if you Earthlings (or should I say Longboatlings?) don’t want to move your little island to a better location like I told you, then at least consider better canals. Don’t do what Teddy Roosevelt did and ignore my advice. Here on Mars, we know a lot about canals even if ours don’t hold water. My advice always holds water. If Teddy Roosevelt had understood that, he would still be living in the Puce House and his country wouldn’t be in so much trouble. Or have I said that already?

Anyway, first off, I suggest that you Longboatlings take another look at those feeble mud ditches that you already call canals down there. Puny, no? You could hardly get a cruiser through most of them, let alone an aircraft carrier.

I say this to you: “Enlarge them! Expand them! Dig them wide and deep from end to end of the island and from beach to bay.”

Look at the popularity of Venice. No, not that Venice. I’m talking about the one in Italy. The place has been famous for centuries. There are pictures of it in art books and everything. So what if it is all sinking into the muck and will soon crumble and disappear? It will still be famous forever, and you won’t. Not the way things are now.

But if you listen to me, Longboat Key can also be famous forever, even if it does sink into the muck like Venice. Don’t worry about the laws and rules. Just dig your Grand Canal all over Longboat and right down the middle of Gulf of Mexico Drive. Don’t ask for permission. Just do it. There is no question in either of my brains that you may get away with it. And if not, well, what the heck?

Of course, you may need to build lots of long, high, beautiful bridges to get your cars across those canals, and that can cost you a few hundred million potatoes, but what the heck! Your island will be more popular than you can believe. Humans will travel thousands of miles to see the sight. “Wowee, what a stupid waste of money,” they will exclaim gleefully. “I just don’t believe it.”

You want tourists? Think of all the boaters in places like, say, Pennsylvania. I can hear them yelling now: “Hey, Maw, hitch up the trailer. We’re going to haul our motorboat to Florida so we can cruise all over Longboat Key and putt-putt all the way from Cedars West to the Whitney Beach Plaza and everything. Wowee!”

Indeed, the foreign tourists who have boats (don’t most foreigners bring boats when they visit Florida?) will be able to drive their motorcraft right from the Hilton and enjoy the great new water sports in Bishops Bayou. They can play games like “Decapitate the Dolphin” and “Mangle the Manatee.” Hey, what fun to watch the hordes of boaters slicing up protected species with their propellers!

Their children can enjoy spotting the headless corpses of the sea creatures that frequent those quiet waters in the bayou, bringing new excitement to your little island. “Hey, Daddy, I just saw a dead thing float by. Gee, what a stink!” Certainly, that would be more exciting than watching commercial properties decay quietly into slums.

Now, some Earthlings tell me that my ideas are silly, because the Whitney Beach Plaza is already on water, and that the Bayou Tavern has both a water view and great cuisine. Well, I wouldn’t know since I never go there much, if at all. But water or not, the plaza certainly doesn’t compare with any of the canal-side strip malls up here on Mars, where we paint them all puce to make them beautifuller. And most of your Whitney Beach customers probably bought their yucky clothes in haberdasheries that I don’t like, which is why they closed and made feeble excuses like “there weren’t enough customers around the island.” The fact is that their old-fashioned merchandise was certainly not the way we dress up here on Mars, the fashion capital of the universe, where we wear a lot of puce.

And in any case, I know that whatever Whitney Beach has, its view can’t be as exciting as the view of, say, Niagara Falls.

You may complain that the town won’t let you build your own Niagara Falls, but that’s nonsense! Sure, you have heard developers and builders say that Longboat Key has always been a tough place to do business in, but do not believe them. It is really very easy for you to do things in that town. (Stop snickering, you Earthlings. I am serious here.)

Just consider the case of the humans who wanted to improve that whatchamacall hotel. It was a cinch. All they had to do was hire expensive lawyers, file lots of papers, push back against the opposition of the bureaucracy, ignore the sniping of us Martians and our friends, get through hours of hearings before unelected officials, get through hours and hours of hearings before elected officials, and suffer an occasional poke in the eye from the Eye Poke club (that’s IPOC for short). And all that’s left for them to do now is hours and hours and hours of hearings in courtrooms along with more and more law fees and more and more and more filings and—hey, don’t let it discourage you. There is no question in either of my minds that it can be done. Maybe. Somehow. Even if I’m against it.

But why bother? Why not just build a Niagara Falls on Longboat instead of some dumb old hotel that can only attract rich tourists? What good are rich tourists to struggling businesses anyway? Niagara Falls attracts honeymooners who can’t afford to go to hotels for rich tourists. And what is the matter with that? Don’t you Earthlings have any romance in your souls?

No wonder you don’t realize how romantic and gorgeous your executive mansion would be if George had built a Puce House instead of a White House, like I told him.

Yes, think of that, and go ahead and build a Grand Canal with a Niagara Falls and a giant garbage disposal for the dead manatees. Get some stimulus money for the bridges, and don’t bother with local applications and technical stuff. Just tell the officials that I said it’s OK. Tell them that I sent you. Mention my name: The Little Green Pundit from Outer Space. You won’t believe the reception you’ll get.