Florida’s all-bird baseball team
The white ibis, the team’s starting pitcher, is about to take a dip after a long afternoon on the mound. CREDIT: Mike Givant
MICHAEL GIVANT
Contributing Columnist
givant@lbknews.com
Can you picture an all-bird baseball team? With some first hand knowledge of Florida’s resident birds, a limited knowledge of “the national pastime” and a hefty dose of imagination, this is what the Sunshine State’s all-bird baseball team would look like if birds could field, run and throw.
First Base: The bird at this position needs to stretch out its body to catch long throws that sometimes bounce in the dirt. The anhinga, which has a spear-like bill and captures fish underwater, is used to stretching out its neck and wings to dry them. Its long tail keeps it anchored to the base. The bird nicknamed the “water turkey” sometimes tosses fish in the air and swallows them headfirst. He uses that nifty move to flip the ball to the mound when the inning’s over.
Second Base: The snail kite is our choice here. This player must make the double play, taking the throw from the shortstop, stepping on second, then turning and throwing to first while a sliding base runner tries to derail him. This bird takes apple snails gliding low and slowly over the water, and then perches on one foot while extracting their flesh. He’s a natural at this position.
Loggerhead shrikes are known in many parts as the “Butcher Bird,” because it impales its prey on thorns or barbed wire before eating it.
Shortstop: The bird that anchors the infield requires speed and agility. The loggerhead shrike with its scary black eye mask perches on a tree, flying out to take large insects, rodents and small birds. It sometimes impales prey on a thorn or barbed wire. Avian baseball adopted the ‘No Impaling Rule’ prohibiting the butcherbird from doing the same to base runners it throws out. However he’s more interested in the sales of his jersey, which is the team’s biggest seller.
Third Base: The roseate spoonbill is our choice to man the “hot corner.” It can catch or knock down wicked line drives with its Dixie-cup spoon shaped, stone-gray bill and make the long throw to first base. Its vivid dark pink, yellow and white colors and that bill have put this guy, who we call the bird from Mars, on the cover of the team’s program, which is available at all home games.
Right Field: The bird at this position needs a “rifle arm” to make long throws to third base or home plate. The wood stork can snap shut its long, down-curved bill in 1/40 of a second. While this knobby-headed bird is on the endangered list, its lightning fast throws cut down runners trying to leg out an extra base. His manager, knowing that the bird he affectionately calls “gourdhead” is patrolling the outfield, sleeps soundly at night, without Ambien.
Center Field: This crucial outfield position requires a bird with speed, agility and catching prowess. The brown pelican’s pouch, which holds up to three gallons of water, will hold any ball it touches. The brown “pelly” can plunge dive for fish from 60 feet in the air making it easy to dive for shallow outfield fly balls. Its bulky body, lumbering walk and long scabbard-like bill make this bird look awkward, but he’s a Gold Glove Award winner.
Although coots seem rather weak fliers, like most rails they have considerable stamina once airborne.
Left Field: The coot is an unconventional but pragmatic choice because of South Florida downpours, which can turn an outfield to slop, making footing treacherous. Any manager thought to be a “silly old coot” will look prescient for having the bird nicknamed the “mud hen” in his lineup when rain falls. With large feet and lobed toes, it can “climb the wall” to snare long flies before they become home runs and chase down long balls hit into the outfield’s recesses.
Starting Pitcher: The white ibis has an all-white body, a long down-curved Lifebuoy, a soap-colored, curved bill and matching long legs. Seeing this guy on the mound for the first time, batters simply stare. Nicknamed the “Chokoloskee Chicken,” the ibis indefatigably walks the beach probing the wet sand for morsels. Similarly it “nibbles” at the outside of home plate, offering batters little to hit. The result is lots of zeros on the scoreboard for the opposing team.
Catcher: Pitchers rave about the black-bellied whistling-duck’s ability to call, or should we say, whistle a game. No need to worry about hand signs being stolen by the opposition. Just try stealing whistled signs. The bird is also a menace to the concentration and timing of hitters, as it replaces its “pit pit pit WEEE do deew” sound with a cheery “And its 1-2-3 strikes you’re out at the old ball game.”
Closer: The common moorhen gets our vote to protect a one-run lead in the ninth inning. Swimming, its head goes back and forth, and walking, its tail often goes up and down. On the mound these motions have batter’s eyes watching everything but the ball, resulting in nothing but strikes being called. The bird nicknamed the “pond chicken” is found on five continents, meaning that when it walks off the mound, fat ladies around the world have to be ready to sing.
Recent research has suggested that Western Scrub-Jays, along with several other corvids, are among the most intelligent of animals.
Top Scout: Every team needs to keep bringing in new players and sometimes a scout really has to beat the bushes. Who’s better at this than the Florida scrub-jay? It sees lots of rural high school and sandlot games and knows homegrown talent when he sees it.
Manager: The bird called “Skip” should be a baseball “lifer” who can adapt strategies to an ever-changing game. The limpkin is a lone survivor of an ancient line of birds that goes back in the fossil record 54 million years. Rumor has it that its forebears played the game with dinosaur bones and stones. Anything but old school, he dials the bullpen on his cell, checks out-of-town scores on his laptop and loves watching replays of himself arguing with umpires on the stadium jumbotron TV. His choice for the post game meal is no longer apple snails but those yummy tasting ballpark “dogs.”
Great piece of writing, Mike. You don’t have to know much about baseball or birds to enjoy this article. The matching of species to position is highly creative.You manage to give each “player” a personality. It is obvious a lot of background research went into this. Great shot of the ibis, too. I hope that when the seasons change that you will consider posting one of your football bird articles.I think the readers of Longboat Key News would really enjoy it!